re-writing paper

The paper "celebrity culture and heroism" needs to be revised using the comments provided from other students. I will provide the original assignment instructions.

To download celebrity culture and heroism:
http://www.mediafire.com/?95m55564u9ctb06

those are the comments for revision:

First students response:

A) How effectively the draft uses the rhetoric of popular journalism

I think you have a very natural academic tone to your writing. In places I feel like you really connected to the popular writing style but in others you fell back into a formal tone. You can go back and look at little things like diction. For example you use the phrase cellular phoneswhen in everyday conversation we say cell phones. Simple changes like that will help make your tone more casual.

Also I think that by adding some more personal connections will really help bring the writing into the frame of popular journalism. Personal stories, personal pronouns, your opinions

B) How effectively the draft articulates and supports a specific argument, with meaningful evidence and logic

Your argument seemed to jump around a bit for me, it wasn’t  fully clear. Near the beginning I thought you were going to argue about recognition, but that theme did not  fully carry through. With your argument I would just really clarify it so the reader knows where you stand. Maybe even include it in your title?

C) How effectively the draft incorporates outside sources and for what purpose

I think you did a great job of including other sources. I saw that you used two other articles that you had read. One being Ray article, but the other was clearly from your own research, which is evident based on how relevant it is to your topic. You also included movies as some of your sources, which is perfect for a popular piece. Overall it was a nice balance of popular and academic sources used throughout. I would however consider adding a quote or two.

Other notes:

&ampWhen you are listing celebrities in categories I would consider adding one with celebrities who are famous for no reason, since you mention that group earlier. Examples: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian..

&ampI really like how you compare celebrity to being an art form. Very interesting!!

Seconds student’s comments:

I thought your paper was really interesting. I especially appreciated the parts where you talked about publicity being a precondition for any celebrities. I did notice that you seemed to waver between popular writing and academic writing, I think in order to make this draft more of a piece one would find in a magazine you should probably cut out some of the points you make and focus on just one using a lot of your sources as support. I think this best point you could talk about throughout your paper could just be an expansion of this idea that you mentioned later on in your paper: Queen Elizabeth is for sure famous, but it is doubtful whether most of the people, typically Americans would consider her a celebrity the way Princess Diana was. George Bush, Sr. again is famous, however he is no celebrity. I think you could have a lot of fun analyzing this, and it would definitely be interesting to read.
I think you did a great job in articulating your argument. It was very obvious what you were getting at and it was written in such a way that it was fun to read, especially with some of the terminology you used such as: universal and atomized globe of bits and bytes. I especially liked your introduction, I thought it interesting how you compared celebrities to fable carriers and then to heroes. There was one sentence that I didn really understand, so maybe you could make it a bit clearer: Shaquille  Neal, Michael Jordan, Mark McGwire, Wayne Gretzky and other celebrity sportsmen are by all criteria and measurements taken as celebrities, and hence they can be called yet they are also b. Just as you did a great job in articulating your argument you also did pretty good at using outside sources. Although I think it would have been a bit more interesting if you find a piece that has something to do with celebrities themselves and then compare that to superheroes instead of using Ray Thematic Paradigm. Or you could even add in your own thoughts and opinions to help support your arguments-that I think would make it more of a popular writing piece. Overall this was a great piece! Good Job!
Kelly Clarke

Original Assignment sheet:

Popular Journalism Assignment

Write a feature article about some aspect of heroism and/or celebrity culture today, in a style appropriate for publication on Slate, the Web-based magazine of politics and culture. Write with a purpose: have a specific argument that you want to persuade readers to accept and provide ample evidence to illustrate and support your claims. Use the rhetorical appeals that are most suitable for popular journalism. Incorporate the insights of two outside sources from our research (Ray The Thematic Paradigm and another of your choice). Aim for 4-6 pages.

Purpose: Your purpose is to engage mainstream readers of Slate magazine as you deepen their understanding of an aspect of heroism and/or celebrity culture today. Your purpose is also to incorporate outside sources from your research through synthesis or as a critical framework for your own argument, and to present those sources in a manner appropriate to journalistic writing.

Author/Audience: Anyone: grandmothers, Iowans, politicians, scholars, priests and bus drivers.

Style: Write in a style appropriate for lengthier articles (or feature stories) published in a popular magazine. Examples that we ve read are Eagle  and Harris  essays as well as Christopher BeamAlmost Infamous.Make certain your writing style, tone and structure are deliberate choices based upon your topic, audience, purpose, and ethos.

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